Funny lines to cheer you up

Looking for a good laugh? Take a read through these funny lines and feel instantly cheered, courtesy of the Readro review team.

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?” – George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin

“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” – George W. Bush

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

For plenty more humour content, check out Readro today.